Tyler Clementi: The Boy Who Didn’t Survive

30 09 2010

“The latest refinements of science are linked with the cruelties of the Stone Age.”

Winston Churchill

Tyler Clementi was an 18-year-old freshman at Rutgers University. Evidently, he wanted to use his college room for a privateencounter with another male. Little did he know that his roommate and a friend broadcast the tryst live over the Internet using a spy cam. Three days later, September 22, 2010, he was dead, having jumped from the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River in an apparent suicide.

Tyler Clementi - photo by Ryan Pifher/AP

One Facebook post had this response:

“If someone secretly recorded and broadcast me in a make-out session (or worse/better), I would laugh and shrug it off after collecting a round of high-fives.”

In response to the two people who videoed and broadcast Tyler’s supposedly private moment being blamed for his death, he went on to say:

“Climenti’s suicide was his choice. The videographers are no more culpable than those who made Climenti think he had no chance of redemption or salvation.”

Not everyone would have that reaction, but it does say a lot about the privacy-void and virtually shameless world in which we live thanks to the Internet. People are constantly posting pictures and information on Facebook and other sites that only a few years ago we would have considered very private. Only time will tell the ramifications of the many posts of youthful indiscretions on the social networks.

Even though there are those who would make this story to be about homosexuality, that isn’t the primary issue. It’s about the growing acceptance of unwanted public humiliation. The same result could easily happen if a consenting heterosexual couple had a private moment in a hotel room unknowingly captured by a spy cam and broadcast live to the world.

There are some moments in our lives that are intended to be private and remain that way until we decide if and when to make them known.

Surviving2thriving chronicles much of my story, including some painful, even shameful, experiences, which, believe me, did not make me want to “high five.” On the contrary, to this day I struggle with the emotional repercussions. I have chosen to disclose a few details of those experiences, but I did it in my own time. If some things that happened to me when I was 18-years-old had been broadcast on national television (there was no Internet then), I might very well have jumped off of a bridge myself.

The premise of surviving2thriving has been that “we are all survivors.” Tyler’s story reveals just how untrue that statement really is. Instead of putting up The Fortress walls and struggling with his demons (as many of us do), he decided to end it.

It’s easy in our culture to say that what happened to him is “no big deal” and that he should have just “shrugged it off” with a good laugh. But who among us can know what was going on within him? He was eighteen years old. His heart was not yet hardened enough to act like his public humiliation was nothing.

There are many lessons to be learned from this (but which will no doubt be ignored). Here are a few that occur to me:

First, our culture has been numbed to privacy, sensitivity, and human shame. Although Tyler most certainly experienced shame, his roommate and friend had none. The results of this deadening affect us practically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The practical result of this numbing is that we tend to ignore actions that could one day cost us. We laugh at the unacceptable behavior of others (like the roommate and his idiotic spy cam stunt) until one day we discover a video of one our own private moments has gone viral.

The result of being numbed emotionally is that we become hedonists or zombies. The supposedly human traits of kindness, gentleness and love disappear. Public humiliation isn’t kind, gentle, loving, or even apathetic. It’s hedonistic… these spy cam idiots did not take into consideration for an instant, the potential consequences of their act. They posted the event on Twitter so all of their “friends” could gather around and watch Tyler like it was just a little teenage prank. And just like so much of what you see on the social networks, it was done for the hedonistic gratification of the moment.

Even more troubling are the spiritual consequences of this numbing effect. The very basis for salvation and regeneration through Christ is conviction and repentance. That means that when we are remorseful about our human condition, we can find salvation, new life, and hope through Christ. However, a society thoroughly deadened to any sense of shame, shrugging off all indiscretions, will find itself lost and without hope.

The second lesson we learn from this is that there are still people in this world that struggle deeply over their past or what is happening in their lives. I am one of them, and this site was created for others who are the same. It grieves me that Tyler wasn’t a survivor. Many are. If his parents and family weren’t survivors before this, they are now.

The third lesson is that technology is becoming the uncontrollable beast. Sensitive information can be put without permission into the hands of millions of people in an instant. Sometimes it might be something as seemingly harmless as a compromising photo taken on spring break. At other times, it might be classified information that affects our national defense. In any case, once it’s “out there” that’s it.

That brings me to one other lesson that should be obvious: No matter where you are or what you are doing… “Smile, you might be on candid camera…” And the whole world could be watching.


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Freedom, Faith, and…Burning the Quran?

13 09 2010

“Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty.”[i]

Photo by Erickson Photograph / iStock

This is a departure from the nature of the previous and future posts here, but I have decided to weigh in on the issue of the Florida group’s recent plan to burn-the-Quran. The event was cancelled shortly after I started writing this, but I wanted to go ahead and publish my thoughts.

First of all, I’ll say right up front that book burning of any kind is a primitive and pointless response by anyone to anything. What does it accomplish? What has it ever accomplished?

Now that I think of it, two thousand years ago it did accomplish something, but not what the guys with matches thought it would (which is usually the case). Shortly after the time of Christ, the Romans, in an effort to suppress the young movement that would not recognize Caesar as god, went around burning Christian writings collected by those early believers. The result was that the first generations of Christians protected the texts they considered as special and sacred.

To put it another way, when the Romans showed up at the door saying, “Hand over your Christian writings, we are going to burn them because you are a bunch of infidels,” the frightened believers would grab something to appease their oppressors but hide the ones that were really special to them. This eventually played a major role in the canonization of Scriptures. (What we know as the New Testament is comprised of writings that they didn’t hand over to be burned.)

To illustrate, if this happened today and they showed up at your door, you might hand over your favorite book written by your favorite Christian author but not your Bible.

All of the ridiculously widespread controversy surrounding the plans to burn the Quran by a little fringe group in Florida, plus the hubbub over building a mosque near Ground Zero in Manhattan, combined with the fact that the United States has a President that has religiously ambiguous sentiments—one-in-four Americans think he is a Muslim—brings up an interesting angle concerning the separation of Church and State.

This is what I mean: our actions as Americans are different from our actions as Christians.

Clearly, America is not a “Christian” nation, at least not in any official way. Nor, should it be. The Constitution prohibits the formation of a national religion. Nevertheless, the majority of religious Americans, at least for now, still consider themselves to be Christian, so in most cases anything that arouses Christian convictions will affect the feelings and opinions of many if not most Americans. In the same way, things that affect us as Americans will have some impact on the religious sentiment of most of us in America.

As Americans, we defend and protect America and the freedom we enjoy, using the “sword” as necessary. American leadership is to protect and defend that freedom at any cost. Although America was founded on Judeo-Christian principles, that really doesn’t come into play in this role as defender of freedom. Americans of all faiths defend and protect Americans of all faiths.

Joe Rosanthal/AP

As Christians, however, our Christian mandate has little to do with defending our country and the American way. Christians are to steadfastly maintain that there is one true God and he has revealed himself in the person of Jesus Christ who reigns as Lord. Christians and Christian leaders are to protect and defend that central tenant and seek to draw others into like-minded faith through the demonstration of Christ’s love and preaching of the Gospel. This is true whether in America or anywhere in the world.

There is no compromise on either role. Christians may very well demonstrate religious tolerance but in no way can they accommodate other religions within their circle of faith. Partly Christian is not Christian. It is idolatry.

Americans, on the other hand, must protect freedom. Certainly diplomacy is important but there can be no compromise with freedom. Partly free is not free.

And although America must defend herself, Christians, unlike Islam, never seek to advance or proclaim the faith through use of the sword (or the match). They tried that in the Crusades and it didn’t work out so well. Most Christians know that our battle is not against flesh and blood, and our “sword” is the “sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”[ii]

As I see it, here is a problem we must deal with as American Christians: Although we must keep those two roles separate, Islam has no clear distinction between the roles of their religion and whatever “State” they might have. Therefore, the radicals launch a “religious” attack against the United States (which they consider a nation of infidels), but it is not the Christians who respond, or even religion in general, but America. Therefore, we have a country, charged with protecting freedom, fighting against a religiously motivated group without borders.

Only history and ultimately the return of Christ will determine how this dilemma will play out.

For whatever his reasons, a Christian radical in Florida decides that he wants to burn the Quran. But, in the mind of much of Islam, who is to blame? America? Christians? Yes. That’s the only conceivable conclusion based on the international outrage that the event has inspired. Why else would thousands of Muslims in Afghanistan vigorously protest the planned actions of one old pastor and his congregation of fifty?

For crying out loud, we don’t have “thousands” of Christians crying in protest when a Christian is executed somewhere in the world (Somalia for example) and his Bible burned by Muslims or Communists or anyone else. It’s been going on for centuries. Most Christians and Americans aren’t even aware of it when it happens—much less scream in protest—although admittedly that might change in this present age.

In the end, America must defend America and her freedom. If attacked, whether by Communists, Fascists, or Muslim radicals, America responds and Americans of all faiths join the fight. There is no other choice. Christians, as Christians, on the other hand, don’t take up the sword to advance or defend the faith but stand firm in the faith and pray. Period.

Burning the Quran, if it accomplishes anything, will only serve to incite the haters of America and Christ and further affirm their idolatrous beliefs. I believe that instead of burning the Quran, it would be better to pile them up, surround the pile with thousands of true believers, claim God’s promises, and pray in the Spirit that the one true God demonstrate his power and will in the world…that his Kingdom come and will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.[iii]

Leave the matches at home.

In the unlikely event that our Lord sees fit to rain down fire upon the pile and consume it (it’s been done before[iv]), I’ll be there with hot dogs and marshmallows. Maranatha.

[i] Zechariah 4:6

[ii] Ephesians 6:17

[iii] Ephesians 6:18

[iv] 1 Kings 19:38


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A Survivor’s Interlude

30 06 2010

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.“

Tom Bodett

I haven’t posted in almost three weeks. In the beginning I was posting two to three times each week. It’s a bit of writer’s block, I suppose. I seem to have said most of what I had wanted to say on this subject, plus my life is in a constant state of flux so I’m in the process of thinking through where I want to go from here with this blog.

Photo by Clint Spencer Photography

There are really only so many ways to say that painful experiences have a profound effect on us, and that there are ways we survive and get through them with a new hope. I’m sure I haven’t exhausted them all, but I’ve covered many of the aspects of survival that I had intended for the encouragement of others.

As I’ve stated, we are all survivors, so hopefully readers have been able to identify with some of what they’ve read here.

I started this blog experiment with an explanation of some of the defense mechanisms we survivors use when life hits us with disappointment, disillusionment, and pain. I did this with the hope that fellow survivors would recognize some of these traits in themselves and take some comfort in knowing that many of us go through similar feelings and behaviors.

I also chronicled just a few of my experiences including the end of my ministerial career and first marriage. I’m still working through all of that and probably will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will always be a survivor. Although I’d like to think that I’m well on my way to thriving rather than merely surviving, I often find myself slipping back into some of those survival instincts. So, I guess you could say I will always be a work in progress, too.

As I’ve mentioned, I believe I’m in pretty good company, biblically speaking. From Abraham to Jeremiah to David and beyond, God used many flawed individuals. They struggled with life around them, getting angry or depressed at times, but in the end, their faith and hope prevailed. That’s where I’ve been and where I am.

One doesn’t have to look far in this world to find struggles and concerns. But also, faith and hope continually rise above it all for those who seek them. “God is in control” is an unchanging fact of our existence, whether it seems that way all of the time or not. And whether we like what we see at times or not.

I am forever changed by some of the events in my life. Surviving and thriving isn’t always about “getting over it.” Sometimes our way of thinking about things is profoundly changed. And that isn’t all bad. It’s part of the personal “growth” that can result from life’s problems.

M.D. Anderson will be scanning my wife for years to come, always looking to see if there are more concerns to deal with. That’s the thing about cancer; it’s always in the shadows. But, we’ve elected to live our lives in victory, always aware, of course, that the monster might step out of the shadows back into the center of our lives.

Nevertheless, victory is always ahead of us. Always.

That’s what true hope is all about.

What do you think?


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Religion Boxes

11 06 2010

“Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy until there is peace and joy finally for you too.”

Fredrick Buechner

I submit this post with some trepidation because I know that I will be misunderstood. But I think it is important so I’m willing to take the risk.

The church in our culture is losing the Jesus touch.

Instead, the church is becoming more about putting people into religious boxes. In Jesus’ day, it was the Pharisees that specialized in that. They saw it as their duty to make the people conform.

Photo by evergin

There seems to be, figuratively speaking, a box into which all “good or growing disciples” must fit (conform). And the box for the preachers is even smaller.

A couple of weeks ago I had a post about the “tapes” people have heard and replay, even if they aren’t necessarily true. The example I used was the tape that says, once you are a Christian, you won’t struggle with sin or problems like depression. That tape would go on to say that Christians struggling with depression or discouragement are living outside the box and need more church, more Bible, and more prayer to get back in where they belong.

Pastors have even less room for attitudes like discouragement. Their box is smaller so their discouragement quotient is smaller. A pastor that shows any sign of discouragement, even though they all experience it, is not living in the pastor box.

The boxes are public. They haven’t much to do with what someone really feels or thinks, but what they exhibit to others. The pastor’s struggles, for example, are real to him, but they aren’t in his box, so he can’t face them.

The same principle can be applied across many areas of life including lust, giving, spiritual disciplines, and more. For example, Heaven forbid that anyone in a church, especially the pastor, ever admit to having lustful thoughts… even though it is most definitely going on in the pews and pulpits, it definitely is not in the box.

Of course, I know that preachers are to “preach the Word.” I did it for fifteen years. And certainly there are biblical standards that will be part of the ongoing message to the church. Yet, there is a way to preach and teach the Word that doesn’t downplay the reality of the human factor.

I’m also aware that one of the roles of the preacher (in any era) is to be used by the Spirit to point out the sinfulness of man and his need for forgiveness available through faith in Christ. That’s not what this is about.

I would never advocate the watering down of the Word, much less the total disregard it receives in many so called churches today. God forbid! (As the Apostle Paul would say.)

But as I consider the life and ministry of Jesus, he loved people in the midst of their failings. It’s often been rightly said that his harshest words were directed at the religious box makers, the Pharisees. But more than that, he not only rejected the box makers, he patiently loved those who displayed their human frailty.

Sure, he loved the sinners. But he also showed patience and compassion for them after they became his disciples. He didn’t love them in their sin and then suddenly turn into a whip-cracking task-master once they took the step of faith to follow Him.

I told you to go and sin no more so get your act together! You will pray everyday at least three times on your knees, read your Bible everyday even when you are sick as a dog, go to church at least once a week, never ever have a dirty thought or inclination, never speak harshly about anyone or anything (unless they don’t agree with you), pass out religious tracts to all of your neighbors, never ever be angry at God even if your life seems to be falling apart, never be discouraged even if your life seems to be falling apart, never be depressed for a moment even if your life seems to be falling apart… as a matter of fact you WILL smile always so that everyone knows you have my joy. Always smile, smile, and smile! Even if you lose your child or your spouse, or you get cancer, I want you smiling. Okay… well maybe you can cry, but only if you are listening to a Christian testimony in church. Oh, and about church, let’s talk about the kind of music you have to like…

I don’t think so. There was no religious box they were to live in. On the contrary, they were about to experience great suffering for their efforts to introduce the world to God’s grace.

So I guess what I’m longing to experience is fewer people, pastors included, in churches telling me how to be the “right kind” of Christian, and more people actually being Christ in the world and treating me as he would.

As for me, I guess I’m not only throwing away the tapes, I’m smashing the box. I lived in it for a lot of years. (One might say I did that once before with rather ignoble results, but maybe now I can do it the right way.)

I guess that’s even more church picnics I won’t be invited to.

But, frankly, I’m not sure Jesus actually goes to all the church picnics, and I’d rather be with Him anyway.

Survivors don’t need box makers. In fact, being in a religious box is the last place they need to be.

True, we all need Spirit-led teaching to be sure, but what survivors need most is compassion; you know the kind Jesus lived and demonstrated. The kind that says, “you are loved, you will get through this, and no matter what, I’ll never leave you or forsake you. Never.”

Survivors need Jesus “with skin on” to be that for them.


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Courage

4 06 2010

“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”

John Wayne

I watched a marathon of “Band of Brothers” episodes on Memorial Day. I’ve already seen the series several times but never seem to tire of it. The same goes for “Saving Private Ryan.” There is just something about courageous stories that I find inspiring.

I’m also humbled. Everyday men and women in the armed forces, in law enforcement, fire fighters, search and rescue, and similar occupations boldly step into situations that require courage, honor, skill, and determination —just to stay alive. While the most courageous thing many of us do on any given day is get into rush hour traffic.

I will admit that there have been times over the years when I felt I needed courage just to make it through the day. That is the way it is for many of us survivors. Yet, any struggle that I have had pales next to those who are in the real firefights of life in this world.

Perhaps we have, as Phil Gramm said, become a “nation of whiners.” I hate to admit it, much less actually write it. Think about the last 24 hours of your life for a moment. How much whining did you do? I know, I know, as a survivor you think whining is your inalienable right. I get it. That’s the way I’ve felt.

But I’ve learned in life that no matter how bad it gets, someone has it worse. In fact, you don’t have to spend very long sitting around at M. D. Anderson Cancer Center to figure that out. I’m actually very blessed right now. I have no cause to whine. But I’m sure before I lay my head down for the night, I’ll find something else that requires a few moments of some good solid whining.

What I could use instead, is some extra courage. Not because I’m going in after Private Ryan, but because I would prefer that courage characterize my life instead of whining. Nobody remembers the big whines of life do they? After I die, I think nobody will recall my best whining moments as good as some of them have been. Can you see a loved one at my funeral? I remember the time David whined for days and days about (insert subject of choice). He had such a wonderful whiny attitude about everything.

Now that I think about it, maybe I’ll write a book about whiners. I’ll canvas the news and come up with the best of the best. Then maybe someone will make a movie about it. How about “Band of Whiners” as a working title?

I don’t doubt that it takes courage to face some things in life. I don’t want to belittle the courage some of us manage in our everyday lives. For example, every time my wife and I walk into her oncologist’s office to learn the results of her latest scans, we need an extra measure of courage.

Furthermore, people daily express courage when they take an unpopular stand on their principles and speak publicly about them. Author Christopher Paolini said it well: “Many people have died for what they believe… the real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.”

In fact, now that I think about it, it took some courage for me to be a preacher. I didn’t think so when I first got into it. But over the years, I learned that the message isn’t always popular. And just so that you know, preachers down through the ages have both died and suffered for their efforts. Since I am no longer a preacher, I think maybe I don’t live with as much courage.

Sometimes courage is confused with recklessness. People do some crazy things in order to live on the edge. I would be careful about comparing the reckless actions of some with the true courage of others. Bungee jumping and saving Private Ryan can hardly be compared.

Also, let’s just admit it. Some folks are just plain nuts. That doesn’t make them courageous. Maybe John Wayne had a point — courage involves being afraid but moving ahead (saddling up) — as opposed to someone recklessly or foolishly putting himself in harms way.

Ultimately, I want to have courage for whatever faces me, rather than cower in a litany of whines. And maybe that is part of going from surviving to thriving—to move from whining behind the wall of The Fortress to openly facing the pain and puzzles of life with faith, hope, the strength of convictions, and … courage.

I just recently read this quote from Coach John Wooden, who just passed away at the age of 99 and is about to be admitted to another Hall of Fame (NAIA): “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.”

He also said, “Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.”

So, let’s “saddle up” pilgrims… and make the best of the way things turn out. After all, that’s what God does for us (Romans 8:28). We might as well join him in the process.

Sure beats being part of the Band of Whiners.


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Playing Tapes

25 05 2010

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’”

Charlie Brown

Photo by Oytun Karadayl

We all replay some of the things we have been repeatedly told or taught. Some were told as children that they would never amount to anything, or that they were not as good as a brother or sister, or that they just didn’t try hard enough, and so forth. Overcoming this kind of parental misguidance and abuse is difficult and can have lasting consequences for our behavior as adults.

When I was in the ministry, I devoted a great deal of time to helping people overcome the lies they hear in their head. However, as a former preacher and a perpetual survivor, I can tell you with absolute confidence that many well-meaning people act according to “tapes” of “truth” they’ve heard all their lives in church of all places, which simply aren’t true. And when they “preach” these tapes to others, usually more harm than good comes of it.

Although there are many such “tapes,” one in particular comes to mind, mainly because I recently witnessed a version of it. It goes something like this: “If your faith and relationship (walk, fellowship) with God is what it should be, then you won’t experience ______________(depression, anxiety, sin, grief, et al).

Nothing could be farther from the truth. When people in their misguided piety say such things to someone who is suffering, they are adding guilt into an already painful situation.

I think there are at least two reasons why this tape is heard and replayed so much. First, it’s a preaching problem. Preachers in their commendable effort to reach people, to evangelize with the “Good News,” promise Christ as a solution to sin and the problems of life. “Confess, come to Christ and leave your troubles behind you” they promise. So, the tape that is heard is “once you are a Christian, you won’t struggle with sin and things like depression.”

Another reason this tape is heard by so many is a misunderstanding of biblical joy. We are told repeatedly that as people of faith, we have “joy.” And, indeed, Jesus promised us his “joy.”

We tend to automatically associate “joy” with a euphoric feeling, and since depression or worry seem to be the polar opposites of “joy,” a person who is struggling must not have the “joy” he is supposed to have. That, in turn, means something surely must be wrong with his relationship to the giver of joy.

A related tape is this idea that the Christian witness to the world is to show that we are different because we have something others don’t. One major way we are to demonstrate this is by being happy (joyful) in circumstances that would have others in stress or tears. Therefore, in order to be a dutifully good witness for Christ, we try to smile and “be strong” in the face of cancer, the death of a loved one, and so on.

Photo by MBPHOTO, Inc.

This denies people the reality of their feelings as they experience the issues of life. Instead, they try to act and look like the “joyful” tapes they’ve heard even when they don’t feel it. No wonder there is so much dysfunction in many of our churches.

Having said that, there is definitely a peace that people of faith experience in the midst of hard times. But that peace is a calm assurance way down inside that God is ultimately in control, and it does not necessarily mean that we have to act like we have no struggles.

The truth is that it is possible to rejoice in living in the hope and purpose of God without necessarily feeling exuberant over how life is going at present. Christ had joy in the cross, but I doubt he was giddy about it.

Faith is a wonderful yet mysterious thing. It takes you where you couldn’t go otherwise. It provides a sense of hope and purpose about all things, good and bad, which happen to us. Faith is the bridge from surviving to thriving. But it isn’t some sort of magic transport from pain and sorrow to a life that is impervious to tears. [i]

I’ve cried rivers of tears over the years—sin (my own and others), death, hardship, suffering take their toll. I’ve been depressed or angry at times because of the same things. And, frankly, there have been times when those issues affected my “fellowship” with God.

I am human—a flawed one at that. Thanks to men like Abraham, David, and Jeremiah, (to name just a few) biblically I’m in pretty good company. Not so much so in some churches.

It seems that I’ve thrown away the tape player and the mask that goes with it. I won’t be the most popular guy at some church picnics, but I think that’s okay. I’ll be honest about my pain and I believe God is pleased with that… even if a few of his loyal followers aren’t.

[i] Psalm 42:3; Lamentations 3:19; John 11:35


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“The harder the life, the sweeter the song.”

13 05 2010

I saw a movie recently called “Crazy Heart.” It’s about an aging country music writer/singer (Jeff Bridges) who has fallen from country music stardom to doing gigs at places like bowling alleys in order to survive. That’s right. The movie opens with him—a well-known country music singer—playing a small town bowling alley.

Photo by Jordan Chesbrough

I’ve never been a singing star or a celebrity, but I can relate to this character in way too many ways for comfort. For one, like me, he is a flawed character and his career goes into the dumps because of it. Also like me, he is renewed through an unlikely relationship with someone who believed in him (Anna Felix).

As interesting a story as it is, I find myself more attracted to the promo line for the move than the movie itself—because it speaks a great truth to survivors—“the harder the life, the sweeter the song.”

Now that, is something survivors can relate to.

It’s been my experience that people who have spent time in dark places say things (or sing songs) that speak to me in a way that others do not. People who have been through the fire and are still standing encourage me.

And being a flawed character is not always a bad thing. Although there is usually a heavy price to pay, the songs are sweeter.

I believe Jesus knew this to be true. Perhaps that is what he had in mind when he said, “He who has been forgiven little loves little.”[i]

A sweeter song coming from a life of pain reminds me of a favorite story. I resonate with it at a level I can’t quite explain.

The Legend of the Thornbird

There is a legend about a bird, which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain….Or so says the legend.[ii]

[i] Luke 7:47

[ii] Colleen McCullough, The Thorn Birds, Harper & Row Publishers, 1977


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When Does Surviving End?

6 05 2010

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart.”

Helen Keller

(Copied from nurses’ station board at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, Houston, Texas)

The short answer to the question, “When does surviving end?” is that it never ends. Not completely. However, we can reach a point when we begin moving on with our lives in a positive, healthier manner.

If surviving is a state-of-mind, at what point are we actually moving on? I believe it begins when we start to really care about something or someone besides our own issues and ourselves. Otherwise, we are just going through various shades of surviving. Caring is a huge move up from the self defense mechanisms of surviving.

Consider, however, that it is quite possible to demonstrate some caring behavior out of habit even when we are merely surviving. In other words, caring behavior and actually caring is not necessarily the same thing.

For example, you might give to your favorite charity or the church just as you always have but without that inner spirit of caring. It’s habit or a perceived duty. But, when you are truly touched within to do something outside of yourself and your situation, you are beginning to move on.

The key is a crack in The Fortress wall—a small opening in your defenses that can lead to caring again.

Photo by Ricardo Bissaco

In time, you might actually find that your life is somehow enriched by your experiences rather than constantly burdened by them. Suffering colors our lives with its own distinctive palate. And that’s not all bad. We can become a different person with a different outlook. Perhaps we might give to that favorite charity or even volunteer with a strong new feeling of compassion rather than out of a sense of duty.

I’m not sure this caring—the crack in the wall—is something you can put on your “to do” list and plan for. In fact, it is not something you “do” at all. But when it happens, when you start caring, you can know that God is using your own experiences to do a work within you.

If you’ve been following this blog, you might remember that a turning point for me was when I met someone whose situation shook me out of my personal issues. I knew something was different the minute I was touched by a woman I met who had cancer. Little did I know at the time that she would be my future wife. I had an unexplainable and powerful touch of compassion when I met Jane. For several years, I hadn’t cared much about anything, and suddenly a total stranger with cancer moved me. I wasn’t looking for it. I wasn’t trying to care. But it happened.

Something had changed. I was less defensive and concerned about what I had been through, and more concerned about this new friend and her fight against cancer. For some reason, which I attribute to the work of God, I wanted to go with her in her struggles. The feeling was made more intense as I got to know her and God began to use her to encourage me. Now isn’t that something! Here was a woman with a rare and deadly form of cancer encouraging me.

I’ll confess to you, however, that the almost two years of dealing with her cancer have caused my survival instincts to stay very active. The whole cancer thing lends itself to survival mode.

Now that Jane has had the major surgery recommended by her oncologist, and her latest scans are still clear, we have to actually start thinking about life without cancer. What a change!

Of course, she will have more scans every three months for the next couple of years and there is always the possibility of a recurrence, God forbid. Plus, the cancer left its marks—physically on her and emotionally on the two of us. But for a sweet time we are living without the cancer and all the treatments and issues that surround it.

The truth is that I am so used to living at some level of survival mode, that my mind and body are still working on instinct rather than reality. I have to somehow train them to see that everything is all right. Back off on the knee-jerk reactions to everything and live. Live fully. Abundantly. That’s what moving on to thriving is all about.


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It is what it is, and it isn’t what it should be.

29 04 2010

“Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won’t help.”

Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)

Photo by the Author

It is what it is. I’ve said it many times; usually as a response to someone’s complaint when something doesn’t seem right but I’m powerless do anything about it.

“This traffic isn’t even moving!” It is what it is.

“Can you believe how high this bill is?” It is what it is.

“I’m about to lose my job because of this economy…” It is what it is.

“Your scan shows that you have a tumor…” It is what it is.

Let’s just be honest about it. We can look around at many of the circumstances in life and sigh. It is what it is.

We then toughen up and live with it. Job, economy, politics, health, and just about anything else at one time or another just doesn’t seem right, not quite what it should be.

Survivors have lost the bliss of innocence. We look at life and constantly see this little twist of imperfection everywhere. A young child, on the other hand, typically doesn’t care about the traffic, the electric bill, or the economy. And he doesn’t yet understand the implications of a tumor.

But neither does a child appreciate the joy of driving through downtown Houston with no traffic or living and working in a good economy! It’s this imperfect bent about life that provides contrast and keeps us from taking the beauty in life for granted. And, yes, I hate tumors and the thought of death, but they do have a way of making me appreciate life and living.

It’s the way of things since the beginning. Adam and Eve looked around like innocent children. They were innocent children. They couldn’t appreciate what they had until they lost it. Then they became survivors. And ever since, the sons and daughters of Adam look around and see that things aren’t quite what they should be.

It’s that very trait of things not being quite right that touches us with the hope of Heaven—that something deep within us that wants to live right here, right now, but with a longing for another time and place.

Surviving doesn’t really care about the rightness of things. Survivors know things aren’t right in this world and are coping with it one day at a time. Thriving, though, moves us beyond that to look around at circumstances and sigh that it is what it is…

But know with certainty that it isn’t what it will be.


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Connecting the Dots

23 04 2010

“Sometimes life hits you in the face with a brick. Keep the faith.”

Steve Jobs

I just viewed (a couple of times) a video of Steve Jobs making the 2005 commencement address at Stanford. My thanks to Jane Friedman, who posted it on her blog where I first saw it.

Believe it or not, Steve Jobs is a survivor. He’s a successful one to be sure, but a survivor nonetheless. He was a college dropout, fired from his own company (Apple), and diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (which he later learned was a rare operable form, which is why he is still alive).

Among his comments in the speech was that you couldn’t connect the dots (about life) looking forward. You can only connect the dots looking backward.

I especially like the way Jane Friedman summarizes his point in her blog post: “Life can only be lived forward, and understood backward.”

If there were ever a mantra for survivors moving from surviving to thriving, that would be it.


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