“Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time—for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.[i]”
C. S. Lewis
Moving on is important. But it isn’t the goal. Getting to a point where we are living again with some measure of joy and gratification is. When we are no longer in a state of shielding ourselves from pain, we can begin to live life like we are living rather than merely existing. That would be the beginning of thriving.
You will determine the definition of thriving for you. There is no litmus test for that kind of living. For me, it would be once again living with peace about where and who I am, and having a positive impact on others. That is what the ministry was about for me and what I want to characterize my life.
When I was deep in survival mode after the collapse of my ministry, I didn’t care about influencing anyone. I wasn’t all that concerned about the pain and struggles of others. I was just living for me. And let me tell you, that kind of living isn’t thriving.
Life beyond surviving must include breaking our bondage to past events. If we continue to live in the past, we will never move on, much less thrive. The very nature of thriving includes living for today with a hope for tomorrow.
I’m amazed at the number of people who persistently live either in “the good old days,” or they are haunted by past mistakes, failures, or traumatic events. That accomplishes nothing but anchoring them in their current discontent or misery.
We all have our defining moments—those major events in our past that stay with us. Some of them are positive and heartwarming: the first kiss, the birth of a child, a wedding, a graduation, etc. Some are dark and stressful: abuse or assault, an affair, a death, and the like.
Although recalling memories, good or bad, is natural, we simply cannot let memories constantly affect how we live in the present. For example, I’ve known many people who are so bitter about a divorce that they spend every waking moment hating their ex and attempting to persuade everyone else to do the same. Virtually every conversation is laced with anti-ex rhetoric. In short, their lives are about what was, not what is or what is to come.
Essential for moving on is a break with whatever has a hold on us in our past. We can go nowhere as long as we are chained to past events.
At this point, I must comment on our God’s boundless love and forgiveness. God has no problem forgiving our past mistakes, but we do. And for those living in the “good old days,” God has no program for that. Life is constantly moving on, and never living in the way things were.
I had plenty of people in my ministry that could never get over how things “used to be” in the church. Some were so consumed with the past that they made every effort to bring down the new because it wasn’t the old. People like this accomplish nothing but spreading the seeds of discontent and thwarting the amazing wonders that God has in store for us in the present.
Living in the past keeps us from moving ahead and seizing the day, so-to-speak. Our insides churn because of past mistakes or events, and we never experience any real happiness or lightness in the present. The past dictates our present.
One way I used to deal with past events and present pain was to look forward to something in the future. In a way, this is a curse in itself, because I was living for something else than what I had. I was going to move here or there and do this or that, and then life would be good. As the French philosopher, Blaise Pascal, said,
“The present is never our goal: the past and the present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus, we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so.”
It’s a sad way of looking at life, but it’s been my experience that there can be a lot of truth in what he said.
Neither living in the past nor living in anticipation of the future is thriving. Thriving is living today without the burdens of the past or counting on better days ahead. Today is the day in which we live, love, serve, and enjoy. Or as the Psalmist states it, “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”[ii]
Although the Scriptures are filled with hope and promise for the future, the exhortation for living this present life is to live for today. [iii] Hope is something realized in the future, but it affects how we live today. Or at least that seems to be what the biblical writers had in mind.
All this reminds me of a restaurant in Austin, Texas. They had a sign hanging out in their patio that was little more than a rock garden with tables and chairs. The sign read, “ROCK THROWING ALLOWED TOMORROW ONLY.” Ohhhh, so I can’t toss rocks until tomorrow!
Of course each day I try to pick up a rock, the sign still says tomorrow only. Rock throwing never comes.
When we live for tomorrow, neither does living.
[i] C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, MacMillan 1961, p. 68.
[ii] Psalm 118:24
[iii] James 4:13-15, Matthew 6:34
Loved this: “Essential for moving on is a break with whatever has a hold on us in our past. We can go nowhere as long as we are chained to past events.”
I’m asking this question to help me – I’m experiencing the loss of my ministry and a church that is unwilling to forgive. How do I let people go who refuse to forgive? I ministered to those people for nearly a decade and after I left, I reached out to them with no response. If they won’t forgive, I need to let go, but it’s very difficult.
Thanks for reading and for your comment… I was hoping you would!
I could write for hours about this (guess that’s what I’m doing with this blog). But for now, here are a few thoughts for you.
You will NEVER be able to completely let it go. What you and I did will be with us for as long as we are in this world. Having said that, any measure of “moving on” will be a function of forgiveness at some level–forgiveness by you, not the church: forgiving God for “allowing” this to happen to you (He could, after all, have given you that extra measure of strength you needed. Hadn’t you given Him the best years of your life, pouring yourself into serving Him? And then when you needed him the most, he didn’t come through.); forgiving self (a very long process, to be sure… not sure we ever totally get there); and forgiving others, especially the church that beat you up and was at least, in part, responsible for your collapse.
As for the church extending forgiveness to you, it usually takes time. For several years after my “fall,” I avoided contact with the church where I ministered. Instead, I went on an extended “wilderness” period, choosing to be angry at God and others. Eventually (years later) my emotions settled down a bit and I began to feel drawn back into spiritual concerns, although forever changed to be sure.
At that point, I wrote a letter to a few friends back at the church, expressing my sorrow over my actions nd a gave brief update on where I was in life. They responded very lovingly and eventually we met and talked. Ultimately I attended a deacons banquet where I spoke to the group. I confessed, finally, that I was so very sorry for all the hurt that I had caused (I did not even mention all the hurt they had caused me… they were aware of it without my telling them) and requested their forgiveness. Everyone in attendance came up to me afterward and tearfully expressed their forgiveness. It was a sweet experience. If you had told me a year or two earlier that would happen, I would have said, “It’ll never happen.”
The more spiritually mature people in your former church will eventually come to the point of forgiving you. Especially as they sense you are truly sorry. The others might never get there. It would be nice if they all would extend forgiveness to you so you could move on with a little peace, but we know that might not happen. It isn’t your concern either way. As you work on your part of the forgiveness cycle, God will take care of the rest.
In the meantime, dwell on a hope for the future and not the pain of the past. It’s hard, but do it anyway.
I’d really like to stay in touch with you and would be grateful to get your email address.