“There is no part of my life, upon which I can look back without pain.”
Florence Nightingale
Survival mode is, essentially, survival. It is an instinctive reaction for most of us, like a porcupine raising its quills when danger is near.
You’ve probably heard the term, “fight or flight.” Survival mode includes both along with the host of emotions that go with them. Whether you are fighting back or just acting like the pain doesn’t exist, it’s the emotional fortress we put up that allows us to deal with it.
Here’s the interesting thing about survival mode. Most of us have to have it. But, we don’t want to live there indefinitely. Although it provides some measure of protection from emotional pain, it can keep us away from the good things in life.
For example, it may drive a person who lost a well paying job to suck it up and work any job necessary to pay some bills. That can be a good thing. On the other hand, it can blind that same person to pulling it together and moving on to a better job and life. And here’s the reason. One of the main characteristics of survival mode is the “I don’t give a damn anymore” syndrome. This is particularly true after life has dealt us multiple blows.
The Fortress comes with a nicely numbing “couldn’t-care-less” attitude. After all, if you don’t care, then you can’t be hurt and you don’t have to deal with the issues trying to get at you. Only people who care can be hurt. And when the pain starts to creep in, to gnaw at our soul, we just muster up more resolve not to care. That’s how we survive.
Here’s an illustration of how this works. Let’s say you are a single person who, like many others, has struggled to find “the one.” After dating someone for a time, you realize that you care a great deal for this person and then, suddenly, Mr. or Ms. Right dumps you. Perhaps, you had planned in your mind a blissful lifetime together. And, for the sake of this illustration, let’s say it isn’t the first time this has happened to you. What is your response? Initially, you go through the stages of hurt and anger, throwing out the stuff that reminds you of your lost love, writing angry texts and emails, etc. But your emotions can’t stay there 24/7. Don’t misunderstand. It’s true that you might carry around some anger for a very long time, maybe even the rest of your life, but it is way too draining of an emotion to stay that way.
So, up goes The Fortress. Now, you don’t give a damn. Ahhh… the bliss of emotional numbness!
Now let’s take this illustration to another level. We’ll add some additional pain. (“When it rains, it pours,” right?) Not only do you lose “the one,” you lose your job, too! What happens next? Well, you’ve got those walls already up, so you don’t really give a damn. Yes, you spent years in school, followed by years on the job all for an employer who you thought would take care of you and help you be a success. But instead, you get the pink slip. So what? The walls will protect you!
When we repeatedly experience the reality that life’s not fair, it’s nice to have The Fortress. However, as I indicated, it might be a nice place to visit, but we sure don’t want to live there.
Perhaps what one needs to do at this point is to take it even further, to say not only ‘I don’t give a damn,’ but, ‘The universe doesn’t give a damn,’ or, ‘It’s all just nothing.’ This might sound like nihilism, but really it isn’t because it’s not a rejection of all value, just an expression of a very narrow moment, like a tunnel, that one has to pass through in order to come out the other side. You have to make yourself sick of saying, ‘I don’t give a damn,’ until the posture itself seems ridiculous to yourself, even funny. Not everyone has this sense of perseverence, maybe, but it’s one way to reach a new vantage.
TOG
Agreed. The darkest moments are the narrowest. Your ability to see the possibilities around you, much less any hope for the future, is clouded. Your comment about “The universe doesn’t give a damn” is also very real. For myself, I attributed God with that attitude at times. Even though a part of me knew it wasn’t true, it fit the moment. Thanks for your comment.
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